The fear of flying, chocolates and God (necessarily in that order!)

Let me start by saying that yes, my two moles on my left foot are still there, hence all that nonsense justification for being always on the go, but that does not mean that I love flying. Well not as before anyway.

When I started traveling, I used to love flying. I like the feeling of being on the airplane and looking outside of the cabin window when the plane goes off and when it touches down. I remember my first flight took me from Manila to Zamboanga City (a Muslim dominated city located in Mindanao region). I was supposed to travel together with another colleague. Since I was so excited, I was at the airport quite early and was one of the first to check in. When the flight was being called and everybody was getting inside the plane, I could not get up and follow them. I was waiting for my colleague to turn up and check in. But of course since he was well known for being late and sometimes missing his appointments, that afternoon was not an exception. So all the while I was just sitting there waiting for him to turn up and I did not get up and enter the plane until my name was being called as the last passenger. I did not know what to do. In the end, I took the courage to approach the flight stewardess and informed her that yes, I am the passenger they are trying to locate. In a whisper I asked her if I can see if I had missed my companion. I told her that I dare not get inside the plane without him because I do not know where I am supposed to go when I land at Zamboanga City airport. And it was my first time to fly! She was so kind to allow me to get inside the plane and take a peep at everybody while she called out my friend’s name. But he was not inside. Quickly I had to make a decision, should I go or should I stay? I do not know where I got the courage to proceed inside, hiding my face from everybody on board, while I walk down the aisle and quickly sat down at my seat. There I was seating having a very good view of all the islands we passed by but was so embarassed for being the cause of the delay. It was my first time to step in Mindanao region and in a Muslim dominated province with no one I know. At least I had the courage to locate the man who was supposed to meet us at the airport and introduced myself and explained why I was alone.

After this flight, I became such a regular flyer of Philippine Airlines (at least for its domestic routes) that I developed such a penchant for taking the window seat and calculating enough time just to be at the airport, not too early and not too late. I also cultivated the art of flying alone, meaning without any colleague to accompany you. I avoided being on the same travel itinerary as this guy who was supposed to accompany me that first flight. I did not want to go through the same experience ever again.

As years went by, I became a seasoned short flight traveler, hopping from one city to another, from one island province to another, never minding the take off, the touch down, the bumpy ride, the turbulent moments especially when we encounter typhoon up there, or the rains outside or the thunder from time to time, while on the plane. I usually can sleep all throughout the flights. I even was fondly called by my colleagues as a ‘sleepy head’ because the moment I take my seat inside the plane, I start dozing and will only wake up when the plane has landed, unless I know that the food they are going to serve is nice. But since 1989, when I took my first flight, I saw the evolution of airplane food from a full meal of either breakfast lunch or dinner to a measly peanuts’ snack and a juice or cola drink.

I also remember in the early 90s when two new local airlines became operational and competed with PAL. One was Air Philippines, where pretty girls wearing very short skirts became the vogue of the airlines fashion. Of course, most guys preferred to fly using this airline. The other was called Grand Air. Their gimmick was to have some parlor games while on flight and passengers get to win stuff like t-shirt, caps, and what have you if you got the correct answer. If I had my choice (since 99% of my travels back then were official of some sort) I always choose PAL over the other two new entrants to the industry. But if I do not have a choice, then I take whatever they give me. I only tried to join this parlor game one time and my answer was wrong, so I dare not join again after that. I rather preferred sleeping on planes. At touch down I feel a whole lot better.

All these confidence and comfort in flying ended abruptly one day. When a friend died on one of the flights from Manila to Cebu back in 1998, I did not realize how much impact it would have on my psycho emotional well being in terms of flying and most especially in terms of being inside an airplane. This friend died when the airplane he was on crashed in the mountains off one of the islands in the Visayas region because of very low visibility due to a strong typhoon. I thought I would not be affected that much. He was not really a close friend. He was more a friend of a friend. But I guess what made the impact stronger was because I was with him two days before his tragic death. He was a lawyer who teaches part time at Ateneo de Manila University. Not having met him prior to that Friday night, he invited me to give a short lecture to his class. I obliged as he was a friend of so many other friends. After the lecture, he treated me to dinner as his way of paying me for giving the lecture. He went so far as to bring me home that night since I live quite so far from the campus. In short, we became instant new friends as we realized that we have so many common friends and we have been serving the same Jesuit brothers for so many years. I remember at that time, when I told my other friend about this lecture and the dinner afterwards, she was happy and even kidded me that he was an eligible lawyer who did not have a girlfriend then. I told her I am not sure if he would find me attractive as he looked so nerdy and also a rich boy. Two days after, I read from the papers that a plane crashed somewhere in the Visayas region. As plane crashes was not something new, I did not give it a second thought. Until this same girlfriend of mine informed me that this new friend of mine was one of the passengers of that ill fated flight. I remember we were all waiting for some news to hear that his body has been found among the wreckage. I guess what made it more tragic was after two weeks, even his family gave up in the waiting game as his body was never found.

After that, flying by plane was never an easy experience. No matter how much food is served or how much I look forward to visiting a new country or how much luxurious the plane is. The moment I step inside the plane and it takes off, I can never sleep, despite being so tired and sleepy. I have difficulty reading even if I brought a much awaited new bestseller from a favorite author. Not even if the flight was a short one. I dare not sleep again and was most of the time, feeling sick, inside the plane, all throughout the flight. I would suddenly feel so cold, wanting to vomit, wanting to go to the loo, sweaty palms and feverish head. And the only food I can take that helps me a lot were chocolates, in all its form, a bar of chocolate or a biscuit or a candy. It is only by eating chocolates that I felt able to endure being on a plane ride.

Imagine to have developed a fear of flying at a time when I started taking longer flights, from 3 hours (within the ASEAN region) to 10-16 hours (to and from Europe). It was always such a horrible time for me. I was always so fearful of suddenly crashing while inside the plane that I always keep awake and took lots of water and can finish two bars of chocolates.

Until my Christian colleague-friend told me one day that in order to overcome this fear of flying, what I should do is the moment I enter the plane, I should touch it and utter a short prayer. God please be the pilot of this flight! That was all she said I should do and my fear will leave me. Of course, she was very much correct. During my first trip to India this year, I did what she told me and I found out that flight was the best flight I had. Never mind that the Indian guy who was seated next to me had the audacity to put up his feet, facing me, while he slept on the two chairs. Never mind that there was one baby boy who kept on crying all the way from KL to Delhi. Never mind that the food was not that great tasting. And never mind that I had mixed feelings torn between excitement and edginess as I was not too sure if Amarjeet would meet me at the airport.

But for the first time again in my fifteen years of flying and traveling, I felt so secure and so fearless and so comfortable again that I ate all the food served to me. I finished the book that Carmen lent me. I was able to watch two films that I did not catch on a regular screening here in Singapore. And for the first time, the memory of my lawyer friend who died on a plane crash was forever erased in my psyche. Never again will I fear flying and being on a plane. Not while I know that a very benevolent God is out there taking care of every travel that this wondering soul takes.